higher and higher (come tumbling dtown)

The one that started it all. If you told me when I started this fic that it would be the start of a lengthy series, I probably would have laughed. And then grimaced, because it's a lot of work.

While I'm mostly happy with how the fic turned out (and honored by the kind reception it received), there are things I'd change about it now. Cálei's characterization is the same in broad strokes, but there are small details that don't really line up with what he ended up becoming in later fics.

That said, there are still parts of this fic I adore. I've never struggled with writing G'raha, and I think because this fic is so deeply in Cálei's point of view, it's easy to be fooled by Cálei's infatuation. Were this a story from G'raha's point of view it would have been entirely different: a dalliance that, while enjoyable, does not detract from his duty to his destiny. My reading of G'raha during this period is that he doesn't fall in love the way Cálei does. He cares for Cálei, certainly, but unlike the Warrior of Light, he is not willing to forsake all for love. And because of his choice, Cálei's course is forever altered.

The inclusion of other original characters is the sticking point for this fic. Were I to rewrite it, I'd focus a lot more on establishing Mel's existing relationship with G'raha, which is unfortunately no more than a footnote in the current version. This, too, is a victim of time: I just didn't have a complete grasp of the characters the way I do now.

On the whole, though, I'm proud of this fic and how it turned out, and I always enjoy revisiting it.

Favorite passage: The description of Limsa at the start of chapter 11 is one of my favorite things I've ever written. Description has never come easily to me the way dialogue does, but sometimes I manage to pull something off I'm pleased with.

Not only is "Roaming Sheep" a real song, I got a speeding ticket while listening to it for the first time. True story.

I'm really unhappy with this fic! I've been pretty open about that. Here's the problem: Heavensward is very badly paced. The actual plot points are engaging and interesting, but the connecting tissue is an absolute mess. Ask anyone who's tried to write a Heavensward fic and they're likely to agree.

But all of that could have been handled if I'd taken more time to revise this fic, and I'm sorry that I didn't. I do like some parts of the fic — I think the first seven chapters where Cálei is dissocating came out very well. It's when he wakes up that the story kind of falls apart. There are a lot of plot elements after that point that just happen, rather than following a natural escalation.

The thing is, I'm not great at revision. I never have been. Most of the fics I've posted online have been first drafts with minor editing. It's taken me years to understand how to revise. In 2021, when I wrote this fic, I had a basic understanding of it, but I didn't have the skill (or drive) to pull it off.

Today, though, I think I could probably do a better job of it. Does that mean I'm going to revise this fic? I doubt it, but you never know. At this point I'd want to rewrite a lot of it and I don't know that it's worth the time and effort. But never say never.

If you did enjoy this fic, however, I strongly recommend Brodie's companion fic, equinox, which explores Mel and Naoh'a in much more depth.

Favorite passage: Probably all of chapter 3, but I could pick a lot of passages from the first few chapters for this. I had so much fun writing the Fray/Esteem voice for Cálei.

Some of the description in chapter 3 refers to actual levequests in the game. I like the idea of Cálei doing absolute busywork that has nothing to do with the plot because he'd rather be anything but himself. And yet, even this is reflective of who he is at heart: the Warrior of Light, unable to ignore a single person in need, no matter how small the task or insignificant the reward. I very much enjoy exploring the dichotomy between lore and gameplay, and here Cálei is more player than character in the way he's behaving to add to the dissonace of his mental state.

I get the sense that some readers skip over these fics when reading through the series, which I totally understand since it's structured differently than the rest. Still, it makes me a bit sad, since this part of the series does a lot to expand Cálei's characterization and bridges the two surrounding expansions.

These fics were all written during November 2021 as part of my Nanowrimo goal for the month. As a reminder, Endwalker was originally slated to come out on 23 November 2021. While most players were understandably displeased by the unexpected two-week delay of the expansion, I was thrilled. I had been working very hard to reach my Nanowrimo goal of 50,000 words before the release date, but I knew my writing would not continue so diligently once I had a new game to play. So thanks for saving my fic writing, Yoshi-P!

In any case, I have mixed feelings on these fics. awakening in particular is one I might rewrite sometime, because it's supposed to establish Cálei's relationship with Alisaie and with white magic, but it's just not written very well. In contrast I'm quite pleased with troops march on; I could have done more with it, but I'm happy with what I achieved.

I started writing another world of beasts much earlier than the other fics; it was intended as a self-contained oneshot, and I think it continues to work that way. Some of the aspects of Cálei's character on display in this fic are somewhat lost in later fics, but there isn't always a good place to explore a character's self-loathing. While I do really enjoy the Warrior of Light/Estinien pairing, it's never been an endgame ship for me because even after recovering from the events of Heavensward, they're just not right for each other. But they're messy, and that's fun.

Finally, searching for friends serves as a prelude into the Shadowbringers fic, and also does a better job of establishing Mel's relationship with Cálei than the Heavensward fic does. At least I got it in there somewhere before I got to Shadowbringers.

Favorite passage: Probably the part in another world of beasts where Estinien and Cálei size each other up. They both knew from the start how it would end, but they have to posture all the same...

searching for friends covers most of the Stormblood plot, but Eureka occurs concurrently rather than afterward, as that's Mel's storyline rather than Cálei's.

As with most of my work, there are things I'd go back and change about this fic now, but on the whole, I'm really happy with how it came out! It serves its purpose well: it's an adventure story about Cálei and Mel, intersecting with the complicated relationship between Cálei and G'raha.

It's hard for me not to like any Shadowbringers story, to be fair. When you have such a good base, it's easy to write fic. It's no wonder I wrote the first draft of this fic in a little over a month: I finished the day before Endwalker came out. Listen, I was motivated: I knew we'd get more lore to work with, but it was important to me to capture what we knew at the time.

As mentioned on AO3, a lot of Mel's dialogue in this fic is Brodie's. She really deserves a byline on this fic; I would not have been able to write it without her constant input and support.

Favorite passage: When Mel and Cálei talk about the contingency in chapter 14. This, too, was all Brodie's idea, because it's exactly what Mel would do: protect everyone he can, especially Cálei. Lucky for them they didn't have to call upon the contingency, but it's important to me that they acknowledged the dangers ahead.

Titania as a nightmare sequence was also Brodie's idea, which I'm very grateful for since it made that section much more engaging. I do love the idea of Cálei still longing for the G'raha he knew, even though he knows about the Exarch by that point.

Also, I'm sorry to Ran'jit fans, but he was just a subplot I couldn't fit into the story at all. I have no regrets about cutting him; I think it would have entirely distracted from the narrative.